Where do I begin? I have been feeling a little off lately. The days that have passed are almost like daydreams, because everything seems calm and hectic at the same time. I feel like I'm losing my sanity and at the same time I feel like everything is going to be okay. I feel that cloudiness in my head like I did a few months back when I couldn't shake that depressing feeling. Nothing is making me happy. Not the thought of new Jordan's or a new piece of technology. Not even football has the same feeling it used to, well I won't say that. It really does depend on the moment. But even if I am happy it never lasts. As quick as it comes it goes.
When I was in high school, some of the roughest years of my life, I learned I could draw. I think that was about the time I started to write too. Poetry, raps, whatever. I had no idea of the connection until I stopped doing those things. Whenever I was going through a hard time I would draw or right poems. About 10 years ago I was trying to draw something and I couldn't get it right. It was because I was happy. Truly happy. I had gotten back into contact after 9 years apart, with my now husband. I had no need to draw or write poetry and I haven't since, until last night.
Last night I felt like I could never catch a break. Every where I turn now is autism, Autism, AUTISM! I go outside for a break end up talking about Jordan and the things he does because of AUTISM. I have to take him wherever I go because when I leave he acts like a maniac because of his AUTISM. I prepare my day to deal with Jordan when he comes home and the medicines I have to give him to help try to recover him from this AUTISM. I think if you X-ray my brain the wrinkles in it will spell out autism. Life is just not being fair right about now. Not for one moment when I held my little baby boy did I think I would be feeling like this 9 years later. But here I am. Having no choice but to be strong while holding on to a thread and hanging off a cliff. What other option do I have? And although I am down, I know that something big is coming.
You see whenever I'm down like this, every single time, something amazing happens after. When I was into my poetry deep, my husband came along. When I went through a bout of depression some months back, I saw something I was missing with Jordan that I probably wouldn't have caught otherwise. Now that I'm feeling like this again I know that God has something exciting waiting for me ahead. And knowing it isn't enough to put me in the greatest of moods, but I'm still trying to be positive. I'm patiently waiting and when it comes expect to hear a great testimony about God and the works He has done for me. In the mean time I'm going to share with you what I wrote last night. As I prepare to type I wonder if anyone who reads it will like it, and it doesn't even really matter. It's how I felt at the time so as long as I can relate to it, that's all that matter. But I hope you can relate as well.
