UGH!
Saturday is my big day. It is the day I've been waiting for. I graduate from the DDS class I have been so proud to be a part of. The class that has helped me grow so much. It has given me different outlooks and taught me how to be more Christlike. And while I'm not where I could be, I'm so much better than I was before. With that being said, it isn't really a special day anymore.
Something has come up that has me walking the stage with no one to be there for me. And while I understand why, I'm still bothered. The worst part is I am mad to feel bad about being bothered. I along with my husband forgo a lot of things we would like to have and do because of priorities. While my husband isn't to vocal about it, I have conditioned myself to want and express less of what I want. There used to be shoes I wanted every week. And while I didn't get most of them, I did mention it. I no longer crave Jordans. I've even given a pair to my son. Dag on shame we wear the same size. Anywho, I've made many changes to myself to have more self control over a lot of things. I lot to do with my class I am graduating from. But on special days, like anniversaries or birthdays, I would like to feel special. It's hard to know you are special when you don't feel that way. You couldn't feel loved if someone isn't showing you love. Unless of course it's God. But I'm talking in the flesh right now. To be honest my birthday, valentines day and mother's day have been subpar for years. It's hard to believe that every year around that time there's no "extra" for me. But hey it is what it is. Yet on a day when no cash is to be spent, I yet have to come second to something. And I am sad. But instead of being consoled, I am selfish for feeling the way I feel which is making someone else feel selfish.
To be honest I don't know what to feel anymore. I just don't know. I feel so wrong for having this sadness. And this happens every time. Every time I get down about something I make him so upset it bothers me. If I just think and act as him, thing would be just fine. He wouldn't get aggravated with me. Things would be just right. Funny thing I was never upset with him. It put a lot in perspective and made me rethink a lot about how completely different we are and react to one another. I always understand him, at least I think I do. But when it comes to me, well....
Jordan having Autism is where a lot of our finances go. It's not easy always spending so much loot on supplements and special food for diets and doctors, but we make it work for him. Someone he's the only one. We don't really take the effort to make sure we can do something nice for one another let alone spend alone time together. Not that I haven't tried. I've conformed so much from what I've learned. Even just from the experience of being married and knowing what he does and doesn't like. I set so much of what I want from him aside. I'm tired. I just can't do it anymore. It's hard to keep denying myself when every one else is denying me too. Makes you feel like what's the damn point.
Something has come up that has me walking the stage with no one to be there for me. And while I understand why, I'm still bothered. The worst part is I am mad to feel bad about being bothered. I along with my husband forgo a lot of things we would like to have and do because of priorities. While my husband isn't to vocal about it, I have conditioned myself to want and express less of what I want. There used to be shoes I wanted every week. And while I didn't get most of them, I did mention it. I no longer crave Jordans. I've even given a pair to my son. Dag on shame we wear the same size. Anywho, I've made many changes to myself to have more self control over a lot of things. I lot to do with my class I am graduating from. But on special days, like anniversaries or birthdays, I would like to feel special. It's hard to know you are special when you don't feel that way. You couldn't feel loved if someone isn't showing you love. Unless of course it's God. But I'm talking in the flesh right now. To be honest my birthday, valentines day and mother's day have been subpar for years. It's hard to believe that every year around that time there's no "extra" for me. But hey it is what it is. Yet on a day when no cash is to be spent, I yet have to come second to something. And I am sad. But instead of being consoled, I am selfish for feeling the way I feel which is making someone else feel selfish.
To be honest I don't know what to feel anymore. I just don't know. I feel so wrong for having this sadness. And this happens every time. Every time I get down about something I make him so upset it bothers me. If I just think and act as him, thing would be just fine. He wouldn't get aggravated with me. Things would be just right. Funny thing I was never upset with him. It put a lot in perspective and made me rethink a lot about how completely different we are and react to one another. I always understand him, at least I think I do. But when it comes to me, well....
Jordan having Autism is where a lot of our finances go. It's not easy always spending so much loot on supplements and special food for diets and doctors, but we make it work for him. Someone he's the only one. We don't really take the effort to make sure we can do something nice for one another let alone spend alone time together. Not that I haven't tried. I've conformed so much from what I've learned. Even just from the experience of being married and knowing what he does and doesn't like. I set so much of what I want from him aside. I'm tired. I just can't do it anymore. It's hard to keep denying myself when every one else is denying me too. Makes you feel like what's the damn point.
