Thursday would have marked the end of the first week of ESY for Jordan. I can't begin to tell you the sense of relief I have that I don't have to wake up early four days out of the week for 4 weeks to do what I have to do almost 11 months out of the year. One less thing for me to stress about. Not so much because I have to wake up because I can get him out and go back to bed if I like, but mainly because of the behavior issues he may have. I'd rather him stay home with me than to send him off to school to try to help him retain information he most likely isn't going to retain anyway. Every ESY year since he was 3 years old I sent him hoping that summer would be the one he would have a breakthrough. After 8 years of getting to know my son and his strengths and weaknesses, learning his likes and dislikes and what will stick and what won't I decided to give him, and me, a little break this year. Funny thing is, he's been asking for school. Can't help but wonder if he knows it's that time to go or if he's asking because he's trying annoy h#%! out of me. Part of me can't help but feel a little guilty that he's missing out.
It isn't his fault he has a different way of learning and he definitely shouldn't suffer because of my shortcomings. However, Jordan can only get the best of me if I am at my best. Right now there are so many things pulling me in a thousand different directions it's hard to keep focused. Heart disease runs in my family and there are days that my heart pumps too hard and fast from stressing over everyday things sometimes I feel as if it's going to give out on me. Reasons why, if I can be a little transparent with you, is I struggle daily with the lack of being able to contribute to the family. Everyday I walk into my half updated kitchen realizing the job could probably be done if I was more successful. Well maybe that isn't the correct word, but if I had of realized the need for what I am trying to do now earlier, things could be different. My kitchen could be the way I want. My basement could be finished and the backyard could be up to par so the kids could get a swingset. Instead I constantly see where I fell short and to be honest, it affects me. And it's not only the house, but the kids, church and the now 2 ministries I am a part of. I am now an ATF for the ministry that keeps me in the teachings of the class but to be honest, it's straining me a bit. I'm so used to saying what I need to say in order to be at peace within, but learning to master my emotions and not to say everything that comes to mind is taking a physical toll on me.
I don't show it because what's really important is I have a home. I have a yard big enough where my kids can go out and jump on a trampoline. My kids may not be the way I want them to be, but that's because of the lack of what I instilled in them growing up. But they are furthering their education, buying cars and working hard. I have a husband that is very patient when it comes to me. I stay up late to prepare for meetings for the ministry on Saturdays, take care of what I missed while gone and then get up early again on Sunday to worship and teach. But God gives me the ability to do so because it's what he designed me for. What I need to do is to learn how to manage my time better so I'm not up all night getting ready for meetings and staying on top of my many alarms to make sure everything I need to get done in a day gets done in a timely manner. It took this blog to really put things into perspective, as usual. And as much as I want to say after this post things will change, they won't. I will still struggle to do everything I need to do because I'm not perfect. I may just be going through something right now which most people do at times, but there is so much that I want to accomplish and because of certain circumstances I can't. I'm not deterred from doing it, It's just put on hold for a bit. Maybe it's not the right time, maybe I have other things to do first. Best believe I will do what I set out to do.
I have a big dream ahead of me, and you hear all to often when you are down to nothing, God is up to something. I have hit a stumbling block, but He is setting me up for something great. If any of you are up on the news then you know that there are many black men being killed by officers for no reason. God is setting us up for something. I don't know if it's the rapture or if He will excel us into a position SHOULD we respond biblically.
Proverbs 4:14 tells us "Do not enter the path of the wicked, And do not walk in the way of evil." To my dear followers it's easy to take the path of revenge, but that's OUR way of thinking. Again we must lean to His understanding and not our own. This spiritual war is not His doing, but He approved it to get us to stand together. Many of us are straying away from His commandments and we need to get back to following His word. I'll leave you with some scriptures to read on your own.
Romans 8:18, Romans 8:31, Isaiah 41:10, Psalm 50:15, Joshua 1:9 and my favorite
James 1:12 "Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him."
Thursday would have marked the end of the first week of ESY for Jordan. I can't begin to tell you the sense of relief I have that I don't have to wake up early four days out of the week for 4 weeks to do what I have to do almost 11 months out of the year. One less thing for me to stress about. Not so much because I have to wake up because I can get him out and go back to bed if I like, but mainly because of the behavior issues he may have. I'd rather him stay home with me than to send him off to school to try to help him retain information he most likely isn't going to retain anyway. Every ESY year since he was 3 years old I sent him hoping that summer would be the one he would have a breakthrough. After 8 years of getting to know my son and his strengths and weaknesses, learning his likes and dislikes and what will stick and what won't I decided to give him, and me, a little break this year. Funny thing is, he's been asking for school. Can't help but wonder if he knows it's that time to go or if he's asking because he's trying annoy h#%! out of me. Part of me can't help but feel a little guilty that he's missing out.
It isn't his fault he has a different way of learning and he definitely shouldn't suffer because of my shortcomings. However, Jordan can only get the best of me if I am at my best. Right now there are so many things pulling me in a thousand different directions it's hard to keep focused. Heart disease runs in my family and there are days that my heart pumps too hard and fast from stressing over everyday things sometimes I feel as if it's going to give out on me. Reasons why, if I can be a little transparent with you, is I struggle daily with the lack of being able to contribute to the family. Everyday I walk into my half updated kitchen realizing the job could probably be done if I was more successful. Well maybe that isn't the correct word, but if I had of realized the need for what I am trying to do now earlier, things could be different. My kitchen could be the way I want. My basement could be finished and the backyard could be up to par so the kids could get a swingset. Instead I constantly see where I fell short and to be honest, it affects me. And it's not only the house, but the kids, church and the now 2 ministries I am a part of. I am now an ATF for the ministry that keeps me in the teachings of the class but to be honest, it's straining me a bit. I'm so used to saying what I need to say in order to be at peace within, but learning to master my emotions and not to say everything that comes to mind is taking a physical toll on me.
I have a big dream ahead of me, and you hear all to often when you are down to nothing, God is up to something. I have hit a stumbling block, but He is setting me up for something great. If any of you are up on the news then you know that there are many black men being killed by officers for no reason. God is setting us up for something. I don't know if it's the rapture or if He will excel us into a position SHOULD we respond biblically. Proverbs 4:14 tells us "Do not enter the path of the wicked, And do not walk in the way of evil." To my dear followers it's easy to take the path of revenge, but that's OUR way of thinking. Again we must lean to His understanding and not our own. This spiritual war is not His doing, but He approved it to get us to stand together. Many of us are straying away from His commandments and we need to get back to following His word. I'll leave you with some scriptures to read on your own. Romans 8:18, Romans 8:31, Isaiah 41:10, Psalm 50:15, Joshua 1:9 and my favorite James 1:12 "Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him."
