Is it time?

This past weekend Jordan did not get to go through chelation. It's not that I didn't want to, but because the pills did not arrive. I am waiting on the reshipment as I type. However, going through with this every weekend had me thinking, is this something I should continue with him?

When we first started, I noticed a difference in him. The stimming had subsided just like it did when I gave him intense supplement therapy when he had covid. But just as anything I gave him, diets included, he returned to how he was before after a slight improvement. So with the DSMA getting lost, I thought maybe this was a sign. A sign that I need to stop. And not just the chelation, but everything.

Since Jordan was five, I have been on a quest, a journey, to get back what was taken from me when he was one. Before reading the Bible, where Mark 9:29 tells us that "This can only come out by prayer and fasting," I believed my son would get past this. But here we are, 13 years later, and I am still in the same neighborhood. I often feel I haven't even gotten off the sidewalk I started on to get to another street. 

Today I have been attempting to think of what strides Jordan has made. I mean, he can go to the bathroom and has been since he was three. That is an issue for some children, but this happened long before we started with any holistic treatment. He learned to speak, read, can dress, and shower on his own. He can tie his own shoes, put away his clothes, and change the sheets on his bed. I don't have to brush his teeth for him anymore, and for the most part, he can tell me whatever he wants, which is not a lot, and he can follow many directives I give him. 

But, I still struggle with not being able to have a conversation with him when he should be asking me if he can take the car to go out. It's hard to hear him go through those moments when he starts stimming in his room when he should be on the phone with some girl he likes. I am crushed when I think about him going into his 5th year of high school, working toward a certificate of completion when he should have graduated with a diploma this year. And I think these things hurt so much because I have been actively working to change it for years, but still, here we are.

You would think that giving up would be easier than to keep getting let down when something does not work. However, I just sent my husband a text asking him if he thinks I should stop, and the tears fell. I don't feel as bad when a new treatment doesn't go as planned as I do when I say I'm not going to try anymore. I do have one avenue that I want to try. That is to scan his entire body to see what is wrong and treat it. I feel this is better than getting bloodwork that can be misleading if you do not read it the right way, which most people and doctors, for that matter, don't do because they are taught to read it at face value when there are other components to configure with the results.

As much as I want to continue, I don't want to be stuck in the same pattern of trial and error. I don't want to stay in this routine. Even though I don't see it as a failure, but more so, I learn from every attempt that does not go right; sometimes, you have to know when to let it go. I'm just wondering, is it that time?