What am I missing?

(From 3/14)

Today I am sitting outside Jordan's school. This isn't the first time but praying it will be the last. Dealing with him and the behavior issues have been a huge struggle and distraction. I'm forgetting administrative duties I have within my ministry and not keeping up with the things God has called me for. Honestly, it's really hard to get work done when you are constantly thinking about what to do to get your child to be better behaved while in the care of others. Part of me just wants to un-enroll him from school. Not only because of the peace of mind I would have, but also the teachers and aides that have to continuously run after him when he's having an episode. Sometimes I ask myself is that what God wants? Jordan can get upset at home and act out, but I've seen where he can behave at school as well. He was doing better before I removed the vitamins and minerals due to the Nemechek Protocol. So something can be done to curb his actions. I'm just at a loss as to what.

Since special needs is the calling the Lord has placed in my life, it makes sense  that the enemy attacks me in that area that is my main focus, my family. However, I don't want to give him any glory. God is allowing these things to happen knowing I can handle it. But I feel like I keep going through this cycle because I keep failing His test. Is there something that I am missing? Am I forgetting something? Is there something I am not doing that I need to be? I admit allowing this to consume me isn't a good look. I still have other obligations I need to tend to. Putting them on the back burner while I spend most of my day wondering what kind of note will I receive from Jordan's teacher today or what adjustments I need to make to his regimen next, doesn't solve the problem. Praying, meditating and leaving it up to God so He can do the rest, will. I feel like I haven't been leaving it up to Him. I haven't let Him take control, instead I am allowing Him to be a passenger.

Most times that's where a lot of our problems come from. We are too impatient and don't let God do what He does best. Instead we take matters into our own hands, therefore, He lets go. Since we are taking control, what do we need Him for. I am still trying to apply Proverbs 3:5-6 to my everyday life. My first thoughts are to do whatever I can because I don't want Jordan to be at risk, and also not put others at risk. So I have to figure out what to give him to get him in line. I...I...I. The big I. What I must do is deny myself. Deny that I can figure this all out and put it in God's hands. The flesh says that won't work. But we are not to lean on our own understanding. It was also brought to my memory that this is a spiritual battle that I am fighting. Everything we face are spiritual battles. That co-worker who gives you grief, disobedient children, a disrespectful spouse. All of those types of issues and more we argue and physically fight against instead of getting on our knees and fighting with prayer.Ephesians 6:12 "For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." I have been guilty of doing that even up to today. It took many sleepless nights, frustrating days and hours on the parking lot in the car to show me I am not totally trusting in God. 

Letting go isn't easy to do. I don't necessarily look at it as giving up, but mainly how can things change if I don't do anything? But we can't look at it as doing nothing. We are fighting. But instead of giving supplements and putting him on strict diets, I'm fighting the spirit of selfishness that I have to figure out the remedy. I'm fighting with prayers to God so He can take over this battle. I'm fighting against being consumed so I can continue on doing God's will instead of focusing on something He is taking care of. All He wants us to do is trust Him. Trust in His word. Trust that He has everything under control. And don't doubt Him because it looks impossible, knowing all things work together for good according to all who believe in Him (Romans 8:28).