Why I fight so hard for change

This morning's worship service revealed a lot to me. It made me look internally at why I do what I do with Jordan. Why I fight so hard to find what helps him remove the delay and become more of the child I intended to have when I found out I was pregnant for the third time. This is not the life I expected, nor is it the life I want. I am grateful that is has come along to change my perspective on a lot of things and brought me closer to God, but now it is time for it to go.

Many parents that have children with ADHD, Autism, or other developmental delays, want acceptance and for you to understand what the disorder entails and be compassionate. That's all well and fine because we all should be accepting of one another no matter who we are or what we do. However, I am not content with how my son is. I don't like the disruptive behaviors and having to go into the bathroom with him fearful he will waste whatever product he can get his hands on. Yes, it is much simpler to remove them all, but I still have to keep a close eye on him because he will get into whatever, whenever. I don't like the fact that we can't converse or he has to go to a school outside of our zone because he can't learn like typical children do. I don't like that I can't give him the foods he enjoys because they cause inflammation and send him spiraling out of control. I want something more. So I won't be content with what he is when I know he can be more.

Today my Pastor shared with us the story about how this past Christmas 4 of his children bought him a big screen TV for his room. Before he had a small TV that he was content with, but didn't realize what he was missing out on until he received the new, bigger one. A lot of parents had a child with a different ability as their first child. Many don't have another after so they don't really know what they are missing out on. Some may have had their second or third child (like myself), that was born with a special need. They may think because they have a typical, they haven't really missed out on anything. My situation happens to be my only boy, has a disability. So while I have 3 girls who are typical, I have a son who isn't and really don't know what it's like to have a relationship with my typical son. And I'm not okay with that. I want what my Pastor calls "big screen living" throughout my entire house. I don't always want it to be like this. Luckily I serve a God that told me it won't.

Again, I don't want anyone to take what I am saying as a shot at how they choose to live their lives, some may not be physically or financial capable of doing it. I just finally understood why I won't give up walking this road to see my son be healed.

1. My faith. God told me in Mark 9 that my son can be healed. The disciple's couldn't cast out what God could because of one element, fasting. Once I began to fast unto God, things turned around. How big is your faith?
2. Not settling. It's easy to give up when you are tired and lose hope. It takes little effort to navigate your car on a road that is wide. But when you are one that is narrow, you have to operate differently because it is more difficult. (Matt. 7:13-14). Which one do you think is more pleasing to God?
3. To give Him glory. God calls us to be the light. We are to shine so others can see the marvelous things He does for us. He gives us the trials and tribulations so when we come out victorious, He gets the glory because John 15:5 says, "I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me bears much fruit, for without Me you can do nothing." We don't do it ourselves, it is the Lord. Won't you give Him what is due to Him?

I know there is more God wants for me, for you, for us. He won't get the glory if I allow for Jordan to remain where he is when God's word tells me he doesn't have to. And those are my reasons why I press on. I know, it won't always be like this.