Marriage and autism

As a caregiver of a special needs child, as well as others in this household, I take care of a lot of things. That leaves me a little less thought about at times because it seems like I have everything all together because of how I handle things and don't ask for much help. I just recently realized that a lot of the things that I do, weighs on me mentally and I'm looking for someone else to fill the void that I have for taking care of myself. As time goes on, taking care of the necessities of our home become more and more. Whether it be helping a child with homework, adding more supplements to Jordan's diet, taking on a new family member, taking a child to and from a new job, finding new recipes and trying to perfect them. More and more gets added to my life, but the level of care that I give myself stayed the same, probably even decreased.

I hate to admit that my marriage was failing on my end too because I did not know why I felt like I needed the attention I did until recently. Yesterday to be exact. I couldn't understand how my other half couldn't understand the small things I needed from him to make me feel happy. But I didn't even know where it was all coming from. I was never this way before. He's always been the same, why the change in me? Mind you a wife always would like little small gestures/tokens of appreciation from her husband, but it never really took such a toll on me as it did recently. Even when I tried to do as Luke 6:31 says "And just as you want men to do to you, you also do to them likewise", it still seems as if he didn't get it. Didn't care to do the things that I mentioned to him I was needing to feel special. After some serious thought I came to the conclusion that I was equating what he failed to do, to his amount of love for me. But once I came to terms with that not being possible, because I know he loves me to the moon and back, it was something else.

I understood that he loved me, no matter what he didn't do that I needed, but then I started to feel like he didn't care about what I needed from him enough to do anything about it, which really is just as bad. We had a discussion, not very heated but elevated, about these things I was feeling. Pretty much it came down to he wasn't happy because he felt like he couldn't make me happy. He felt like I could never be happy because after this, there will be something else that I consider him to be lacking in. That statement is what made me think. I know that I may have asked him to do little things for me in the past just to show a little token of love or he was thinking about me, but it was never anything to cause such a riff in our marriage. That lead me to ask myself, what has happened over the years that has changed my outlook on things. AUTISM. Caring for Jordan plus 4 other kids, household cleaning/maintenance/upgrades, still having to keep up with wifely duties and anything else that comes across my plate has truly taken it's toll on me mentally. I care for so many. But don't get much care for myself in return. In the special needs ministry within my church we now have a caregiver support subgroup that gets together after meetings on occasion to provide support and bounce ideas off each other to help us care for ourselves as the caregivers. I realized, I'm not being cared for. Well not in the way that I need to help me get through all I have to do.

For the longest time I tried to understand how it was that caring for special needs children would cause homes to break up. I mean I know that there are some parents that just can't deal with the problems that have come about with their child and just up and leave. I don't understand it but it does make some kind of sense. Now I see that there is so much more to autism than I thought. We tend to focus more on the children than anything else. It never once crossed my mind that I was feeling or even being neglected due to my care for others and lack of care for myself. And I was looking to get that care from someone else. But it's hard to let someone know what you are in need of when you don't even know why you are in need. I'm glad I have learned where it is all coming from.

What it all boils down to is, this problem would have probably never existed if I would have taken the time to make sure as a caregiver, I do things to care for myself as well. 1 Corinthians 3:17 summed it up good for me. It states "If anyone defiles the temple of God, God will destroy him. For the temple of God is holy, which temple you are." I was not taking care of my temple and I was destroying myself. And no one here is going to be any good if I'm not at 100% to help them to conquer any task that they have in front of them. Especially Jordan and autism. Even though me and my husband have quite a few ups and downs and a lot of times we have those not sure if we are going to make it moments, never do we really feel like this is it. But as much as I need to pay close attention to myself and focus on my needs, my husband also needs to care for me just the same. You see if I have to care for my special needs son, my daughters, my husband, my home, my car and myself, that's even more for me to do than I do now. And if he didn't step up I think I would still feel the same, because I wouldn't have someone caring for me. So my advice is, if you are in the same situation as I was in, you have to find that balance. You have to find something that is just for you, whether it be taking a walk or run on your own, but make sure you have someone else that gives you a little extra special attention so you know that you have someone else that is caring for you as well. It really does make a world of a difference.