Not okay

This morning, for the first time in a very long time, I did not feel okay. So much is weighing on me, and believe it or not, it has nothing to do with Jordan and treatment.

Yes, he still has tics and stimming often. I trusted that the foods he was getting were enough to keep him from sneaking other items. Boy, I was wrong. He had Oreos, ice cream sandwiches, some meat from an African dish his aunt send home for his dad, and who knows what else. So partly what I see is a result of that, and I'm cool with it. I just have to wait for these things to work through his system to see some decrease. I also lowered the number of times he ate a day from 4 to 3. With him eating after 8 most evenings, I was concerned about that meal working through his system in a decent amount of time because the pills he takes for his gut need to be on an empty stomach. As much as I want him to gain weight, I need his gut to be healed more.

But this is not the cause for my stress right now. Since December, a family member of mine has been going through some hard times, and I have tried to support her. It upsets me how she feels during this situation, and I feel I have to be her person because she may not have someone to be there for her at the most pertinent times. So my ear, my time, my days and nights have been filled with phone calls and texts, and when we are not speaking, prayers and concerns about her. I also have an issue with the plumbing in my home. The problem we are facing is not something new to us, but it is something that we have been able to fix in the past that is untreatable now. We've had someone come out and remedy it, but it was short-lived.

On top of that, I still have specific duties to tend to as part of the Special Needs Ministry within my church. Many of the things I have done in the past were to help alleviate our leader's pressure. So I was involved with all aspects the ministry branched out in to help. That led me to be put in some places where I did not necessarily want to be. For example, heading a parent support group. I've always wanted to be in the background of whatever it is I was part of. Unless it pertained to what I felt was the call on my life, which had been to share the findings of what happened during treatments of Jordan's behaviors and physical issues. This I am comfortable with. But I stay in the areas that make me uncomfortable because lessons have taught me that God moves in us when we are called to do things out of our comfort zone. However, when I am challenged while being uncomfortable because I feel I don't necessarily know what to do and am trying my best, I just want to withdraw. That happened to me this morning.

I realized that most mornings, I dread getting up to get started. This is why no matter how early I know I need to get up to make sure Jordan is fed and ready for virtual learning by 9:00, I'm hardly ever on time. I feel like I have been masking a lot of what is really bothering me. Or burying it deep down within me and claiming peace. Or maybe I am just overwhelmed with all I am faced with at this particular moment. To be honest, I don't really know. I just know this morning I was in tears because Jordan was going to be really late for class, and out of all the things I am facing, it seems like a ridiculous reason to cry. But there I was, making pancakes and crying. 

I had been behind on two Sunday services and decided to catch up on them yesterday. One of them was a message entitled "The Journey to Peace." Without going into much about the message, it was basically saying that in Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT), "6 Don't worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. 7 Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything you can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Life is a journey, and in this journey, we will have trials and tribulations. We must find peace to be able to feel different about the conditions we are in. I thought I had that, but it seems that I am in unchartered territory, and I have to find the right coverage for these conditions. I'm feeling a lot better now. Hopefully, this morning was the worst of it all. We will see.