Last week while I was making dinner I got to hand dance with Jordan. On some occasions, depending on my mood, I will listen to music while cooking. On all occasions Jordan will run in and out of the kitchen. He will either come in there because he's heard the microwave and knows nine times out of ten the plate cover didn't get put back in it. Or to see if a timer is on the oven. Or simply to touch my hair. Because I had the music on and was dancing around a bit, I grabbed him and proceeded to dance with him. I twirled him and I spun under his arm as well. He found only a little fun in it, but he didn't pull away from me either. And it was then that it hit me that these are going to be some things I will miss.
A typical 11 year old boy is not going to be all up under his mom trying to touch her hair let alone let her dance with him to Deon Kipping. I expect him to be fully involved in a video game or watching a basketball game on TV. Maybe even bugging me to use that same cell phone I was using to play the music to call one of his buddies from school. He won't be checking for mom. Probably even keeping his distance for fear of all of the hugs and kisses I would be trying to give him that is the normal now. I would hope that it wouldn't change too much, but I definitely would have to keep from treating him like he is my little baby. Limit my kisses to one or two a day and give him his tween space. I would have be strong to keep my feelings to be hurt when he doesn't follow me on every level of the home when he hears that I have gone up or down the stairs.
Just last night as I was finishing up the laundry he came down with me. He sat on his sister's bike and then proceeded to get in the power wheels escalade that is 10 sizes to small for him now. After being down there for some time, he got cold so he went upstairs, got a blanket, came back down, and laid on the couch in the living area of the basement until I was done. Things like that and the fact that when he just wants to "chill", he comes and sits next to me under my blanket. I've had 11 wonderful years of my son being a momma's boy and the attachment he has to me. Like when he's in trouble and has to sit for a while, he always wants to sit next to me. And while I haven't enjoyed every aspect of Autism, I have loved every minute of the relationship me and my son had. I will continue to enjoy hugging him until the day comes where he tells me "mom, enough is enough". But in the same breath I can say I will give it up in return for meaningful conversations, and an "I love you mom" with true meaning behind it.
While I don't know for sure that my son doesn't understand the meaning of I love you, there is an uncertainty. But once he becomes more self aware, I will know without a shadow of a doubt. No longer will I have to struggle to understand what he wants or wonder about his days at school. I will turn in my 8 hugs a day for one hug that has emotion attached to it. I will forgo being followed to every room to get to be able to watch my son play Madden and maybe get in on one game. I'm looking forward to these days because it is coming whether I like it or not and they are coming soon. I'm preparing myself to teach him how to ride a bike, shoot a jumpshot, throw a football and swing a bat. On Sundays I have him watch the games with me to start to learn the formalities and understand the game. I also started praying with him every morning and night. Because not only do I want him to understand life, but I want him to understand the Word of God. Yes, he attends Bible study with me, but nothing is like showing him that environment while at home. In the next coming days I will be purchasing a Bible to read to him every night so he can receive Him just like everyone else does.
1 Corinthians 12:7 "But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to each one, for the profit of all:". I'm ready for what's in store for us this year. Thank You Jesus.
Last week while I was making dinner I got to hand dance with Jordan. On some occasions, depending on my mood, I will listen to music while cooking. On all occasions Jordan will run in and out of the kitchen. He will either come in there because he's heard the microwave and knows nine times out of ten the plate cover didn't get put back in it. Or to see if a timer is on the oven. Or simply to touch my hair. Because I had the music on and was dancing around a bit, I grabbed him and proceeded to dance with him. I twirled him and I spun under his arm as well. He found only a little fun in it, but he didn't pull away from me either. And it was then that it hit me that these are going to be some things I will miss.
A typical 11 year old boy is not going to be all up under his mom trying to touch her hair let alone let her dance with him to Deon Kipping. I expect him to be fully involved in a video game or watching a basketball game on TV. Maybe even bugging me to use that same cell phone I was using to play the music to call one of his buddies from school. He won't be checking for mom. Probably even keeping his distance for fear of all of the hugs and kisses I would be trying to give him that is the normal now. I would hope that it wouldn't change too much, but I definitely would have to keep from treating him like he is my little baby. Limit my kisses to one or two a day and give him his tween space. I would have be strong to keep my feelings to be hurt when he doesn't follow me on every level of the home when he hears that I have gone up or down the stairs.
While I don't know for sure that my son doesn't understand the meaning of I love you, there is an uncertainty. But once he becomes more self aware, I will know without a shadow of a doubt. No longer will I have to struggle to understand what he wants or wonder about his days at school. I will turn in my 8 hugs a day for one hug that has emotion attached to it. I will forgo being followed to every room to get to be able to watch my son play Madden and maybe get in on one game. I'm looking forward to these days because it is coming whether I like it or not and they are coming soon. I'm preparing myself to teach him how to ride a bike, shoot a jumpshot, throw a football and swing a bat. On Sundays I have him watch the games with me to start to learn the formalities and understand the game. I also started praying with him every morning and night. Because not only do I want him to understand life, but I want him to understand the Word of God. Yes, he attends Bible study with me, but nothing is like showing him that environment while at home. In the next coming days I will be purchasing a Bible to read to him every night so he can receive Him just like everyone else does. 1 Corinthians 12:7 "But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to each one, for the profit of all:". I'm ready for what's in store for us this year. Thank You Jesus.
