Being honest

Every time I take to write a post in my blog it's always about Jordan. Some achievement he's made or struggle that I am having with treatment, behaviors, etc. Lessons learned and spiritual development, but all have to do with Jordan and Autism. When I was going through a serious depressive state and came out with a victorious outcome, I never really got to tell you how I was feeling beforehand because by the time I was in the middle of my blog, I had learned the reason for my depression and turned it around. But realistically, not all my days are great. Today is one of those days.

Last night I had a dream about tsunami's. Everytime I dream of being on the beach, I always dream about tsunami's. And it happens often. Today I researched what the meaning of dreams like those mean. Basically it told me that dreaming of water is a symbol of our inner world. The tidal wave I see turning into the tsunami is like stepping outside myself and seeing my emotions well up and become out of control. So having a dream about them is a sign that I may be under a lot of pressure or a significant change is coming. An indication that I may be overwhelmed. Right now in my life I am dealing with the fact that I have a child getting ready to go into college. I'm already paying fees for that, and I'm still trying to deal with Jordan and treatments. All the while not being able to contribute a single dime to my household. I've tried to sell Avon and thought about Mary Kay and being an insurance rep, but I don't have the drive, the passion to do it. Blogging led me to write a book due to the suggestions of 2 people, but it has yet to do anything. I wasn't expecting to be a best selling author or anything. Just wanted to spread my word to a bigger audience and in the process be able to contribute to Jordan's care or whatever it was needed for. But here I am a couple of months after being self-published and nothing. Not a single book has sold.

Last weeks sermon was called "God's purpose for tribulation." It was giving all the reasons why we should rejoice when we have affliction. Reason one, tribulations. The root word meaning a device that separates. Tribulation applies pressure to remove what is not beneficial for us and it produces reason two, perseverance. That means to have a cheerful disposition about what you are going through. We need to be joyful because nothing we go through comes without God's permission. We have to understand that if He puts that burden on us, He knows it's something we can handle. It gives Him pleasure to see that when we are having struggles we can boast about it. Because it shows Him we have the faith that we can get through it. And making it through those times produces reason three, character. When your character is developed that means you can be trusted. You have been tested and passed. He does all this so He can see His character in you. To make pure gold, it has to be heated, and all the impurities rise to the top to be scraped away. Then it is heated more, for more impurities to be removed. After all has been removed, you can see yourself in the gold, and can be removed from the heat. And that character that has been shaped, produces reason four, hope. You don't overreact, and you don't know how He is going to do it, but you have that expectation that God will work it out.

I'm trying to apply these principles to my life at this moment because I know that there are reasons unknown to me why I am going through and feeling the way I am. But I'm glad God has saw in me what I can't see in myself. It's not easy to be upbeat about feeling like a failure when it comes to the endeavors I've tried to do to help my family. But I know that I'm not a failure, it's just not the right time. I must continue to have my character shaped so when it's time, everything will work out the way it's supposed to.